As many know, I'm a pre-op male-to-female who has for much of my life known this about myself. It's not something that is as plain as "Oh, I wish I had breasts and no penis" though that is a part of it. Rather, it's a case of how the brain reacts and thinks, how the individual feels about themself and their own identity.
Now, you might well wonder why I'm posting this here, and particularly in a seemingly unprovoked manner. Well, it's because of stupidity on Television and the general ignorance of some that I felt compelled to give my account of what it's like.
Firstly, the terminology:
Transvestite: A person who likes to dress up as the opposite gender.
Fetishistic transvestite: A person who dressed up as the opposite gender for sexual arousal.
Transexual/Transgender: A person who feels they were born the wrong gender. Now, I say 'feel' because that's the loosest I can be. Many of us 'know' we're the wrong gender. We know from a very young age, and the frustration and confusion of having the wrong body exacerbates the general dysphoria associated with such a condition.
Gender Dysphoria: As mentioned above, this is most commonly associated with transgender and it basically means a feeling of great despair and self loathing at what are. The lack of control, or feeling in synch with your own body is alienating and also terrifying. The fear of standing out, or even approaching family about it is also very daunting.
Of course it differs for some, and many people who have feelings like this either learn to 'deal' with it, or else it fades with time. Others, like myself, the feeling grows as we do. When I was six and first aware that I was the wrong gender, I simply hoped/assumed that it was normal and would either go away or else puberty would solve it. I also wished and prayed that I would wake up the correct gender (which of course never happened) Alas, puberty made things so very much worse for me, as I was even further from where I felt I should be. Again this differs, and some young children will find they no longer feel the same concern. Others might start to question their identity at this age, also.
Now, my reason for this is two-fold:
Yesterday, on that particularly repugnant 'Jeremy Kyle Show' He and the father of a transgendered child both showed their ignorance, as did much of the audience. 'Ben' as he wished to be known was born a girl and knew from a young age they were a boy. They saw themself as one, and even live as Ben with their freinds calling him such. His parents obviously feel confused, but also heavil in denial and hope it's a 'phase'. The thing that annoyed me most though was not the naivé attitudes, but rather their opinion that at seventeen, Ben shouldn't have surgery/hormones 'Because they haven't lived'.
He tried to convey his feelings about this, but faltered, mostly through nerves and frustration. What he was trying to say (I feel) is that he doesn't feel he can live until his gender is rectified (in a manner of speaking). His father, and Jeremy Kyle were both going on about real world experience being important before such a decision be made, not realising how damaging that can actually be. I'm nearly twenty-seven now, and only told my family last year. I should be starting hormones soon, but due to the time frames, will most likely not have completed surgery and hormones until I'm nearing thirty. For me, that's a tragic loss of my youth and teens. I never wanted to be a boy, nor did I envision myself as an adult male.
To all intents and purposes, I still feel like a teenager, waiting for puberty to set me on course. Ben is in the situation that even when he's going through puberty and his body is moving away from what he envisioned, he -still- feels as if he's male. This is what they should be looking at, and it's what is so hard to put into words.
It's incredibly difficult to convery the frustration and confusion that go with it all, and I know from speaking to others that it's rarely any different.
They also insisted on calling Ben a gay girl, because of him having a girlfriend. What they again failed to realise is that transgenderism is not linked to sexuality. You can be a gay transgendered person, or a straight transgendered person. Ben grew up knowing he was a boy, and was attracted to girls, just as I grew up knowing I was a girl and being attracted to them. Ben's mother admitted that she'd never been able to get Ben to wear a dress, at any age, then allowed her husband to repeat that is was a 'phase', as if it was a recent revelation.
The second moment of annoyance came from a documentary my sister was watching about a woman having fat removal/liposuction. The surgeon said he refuses to perform operations on people with gender dysphoria (or, as he mislabeled "transvestites") because of his beligerance towards to idea of chopping off a penis "for the hell of it".
Firstly, if it was a case of having the gentialia altered 'curing' such a condition, it wouldn't be such a long haul, and secondly, it galls me that a surgeon not only messed up his terminology, but also knew -nothing- about the procedure. The penis is -inverted-, not 'chopped off'.
My point with all of this is to help clarify to some who may have well wondered what exactly I was, or else ever had a query. Also to point out that this isn't a phase for most. It's very real, and something that's with us from birth. Having the wrong brain for the wrong body does not do the feeling justice. It's very real, and almost abstract in how it feels. Like being in the wrong skin and knowing it, but also feeling an inner loss of what you should have.
Anyway, I hope this has been of use to some people, and if you have any questions, I'm more than happy to answer them. Love, Sarah.
