[DF] Fortress Year Four

Nanor

Nanor

Well-Known Member
Dear diary,

I'm staying in a tavern having a few ales and carving a picture of goblin genocide into the skull of a dog I killed earlier. This dwarf walks in and sits beside me. I hide the skull. We get to talking. Apparently he's been sent to lead a newly found expedition of some hole. He's really excited and he's got some swell plans for the place.

Long story short... I've killed him and I'm taking his place. That's why I'm writing this in blood. I'll write more when I get there.
 
Nanor

Nanor

Well-Known Member
2nd Granite - I arrive... this place is disgusting. There are remains everywhere. I step in some cat blood and vomit on a small child. I announce myself as the new leader of the fortress. No-one pays attention. A furnace operator punches a jeweler. I retire to the ale cabinet to count out how much I can drink.

7th Granite - The amount of ale impresses me greatly. There are 225 helpings of drink and 30 dwarves. By my calculations that's 225 helpings of drink for me. The colour of the walls of the stockpile and industry centre give me a headache. I notice a lot of empty rooms. I tell the dwarves to put a bed in each room. They do it. My head gets bigger.

8th Granite - I notice a catapult facing a goblin lasher. A dwarf informs me the catapults have been firing for many days but have not scored a successful hit. I offer to take a go. I get my trousers caught in the mechanism and they rip off. I retire to my quarters to consider how to make myself into a hero.

20th Granite - HAHA! It's so simple! The catapult will take years to kill that lasher. I have a MUCH better idea. I tell the dwarves to create a tunnel and a massive cavern beneath where the lasher stands. I then tell the mechanics to create some mechanisms. YOU'RE A GENIUS, NANOR.

25th Granite - While creating the tunnel the miner strikes brown jasper. Truly this is an omen!

26th Granite - Aventurine! I will go down in the annals of history!

27th Granite - Sardonyx! Hematite! I sure am cut out for this fortress leading business.

28th Granite - I meet with outpost liaison Feb Uz. I laugh at his stupid name. He asks me what I want. I walk away. Apparently I have better things to do. I'll deal with him after ale.
 
Nanor

Nanor

Well-Known Member
7th Slate - I strike bituminous coal under the large cavern. I begin to ponder my plan further.

9th Slate - "If I create supports then rig them to a system where upon pulling a lever the ground collapses then the lasher will fall into the pit and die!" I yell at the same child I vomited on earlier. He smiles. He still has the carrots I vomited onto him in his hair.

11th Slate - Zon Kildrudas has gone berserk! "Well I'd go berserk too if I had a drinking ability like yours!" I say to him. He punches me in the face. I retreat and send the military to go and deal with him. He punches a fucking dog in the head and crushes it's skull. Kel Kolumam the militia commander shatters Zon's skull with his battle axe. I take credit for it.

13th Slate - Feb Uz comes back. He offers me 121 coins for warhammers. I tell him I care not for his stupid figurines and offer him 175 for generic headwear. He accepts. I laugh once again at his stupid name and walk away.

20th Slate - This lasher is apparently fucking crazy. He just stands in the same place for days on end. I figure simply dropping this tool into a pit will not be enough. I had a dream last night I did it and he crawled after me and cut me to death with his dog tooth necklace. I need to find a way to make sure he dies.

25th Slate - A first wave of migrants arrive. I go to greet them. 7 of them. Furnace operator seems to be the useful one. I inform them I am their god.

28th Slate - AHHAFHJAS! OF COURSE! So I pull the trigger to collapse the ground beneath the lasher. Then I pull ANOTHER trigger to release a nearby reservoir into the room to drown the bastard. No-one is nearby to hear my idea. They're all watching a donkey give birth to a foal. These people are absolutely disgusting. I eat some fluff I find in my belly button.
 
thatbloke

thatbloke

Junior Administrator
"The amount of ale impresses me greatly. There are 225 helpings of drink and 30 dwarves. By my calculations that's 225 helpings of drink for me"

LOLLLLLLLLLLLLL cookified for that... I'm still laughing
 
Nanor

Nanor

Well-Known Member
12th Felsite - The dwarves are working fast. I think. I'm not really familiar with work so I have little to compare it to. An elven caravan arrives. I jump on a flower to annoy them.

15th Felsite - Feb Uz "looks forward to our next meeting" and informs me "our fortunes rise and fall together". I ponder this deeply philosophical statement over more ale.

26th Felsite - My plan is coming along well. I have begun creating the water tunnel from the resevoir and created a large room. I tell the dwarves to link the supports to the level for collapse. I briefly ponder the meaning of life.
 
Nanor

Nanor

Well-Known Member
2nd Hematite - I order a floodgate to be placed. A dwarf places it in such a fashion that he locks himself into a cave with no way to escape. I order a desk to be created so I may place my head upon it.

4th Hematite - A dwarf punches another dwarf. "It's a dwarf punch dwarf world" I remark. Another dwarf laughs. It is a laugh of pity. I contemplate placing him in the pit as well.

22nd Hematite - The mechanic is taking a break. I don't like the amount of breaks he takes. I make a mental note that he shall be fed to the dogs. I find another dwarf and inform him he is now a mechanic. He accepts. OF COURSE HE ACCEPTS. I AM NANOR, GOD OF WAR. I throw a plate against the wall.
 
Nanor

Nanor

Well-Known Member
12th Malachite - This dwarf mines down a wall which holds back a flood of water and WASHES HIMSELF IN THE WATERFALL. I rename him idiot. I am, once again, applauded for my wisdom. By myself. STILL COUNTS.

24th Malachite - This guy who can't fucking stand takes a mood and claims a jewelers workshop. I shout "WOMEN? EH?". I am informed it is actually a man who has claimed the workshop. I laugh at his lack of left foot.

26th Malachite - One foot guy begins a "MYSTERIOUS CONSTRUCTION". I contemplate mysteriously shoving my foot up his ass. I then create a mysterious construction in the toilet.

29th Malachite - We do not have enough mechanics. THEY ARE LAZY. I draft another dwarf into the ranks of mechanics. He accepts because, as aforementioned, I am Nanor, God of war.
 
Nanor

Nanor

Well-Known Member
6th Galena - I AM SURROUNDED BY IDIOTS. We have made SO MUCH FOOD that we can't store it anywhere. Which means we can't store any more alcohol. I order more barrels to be made top priority and I kick some guys table and stub my toe.

8th Galena - I order plump helmets only to be grown for two seasons a year per field because we have so god damn much of it. Some dwarf questions my wisdom. "How about you suck my plump helmet?!" I yell. I laugh so much I vomit again. I am proud because it fertilizes the fields. I retire to my chambers, my days work done.

10th Galena - One foot Olin has created a perfect aventurine and in turn has become a gem cutter. I care not.

12th Galena - hUMAN TRADERS ARRIVE. I accidentally pressed caps lock. I break the fourth wall. I order crap to be taken to the trade depot and for the broker to chill out there.

13th Galena - The shale crafts are moved. I remark that if you change the A and the L in shale to a I and a T it spells "shite". My grasp of literacy is lauded.

21st Galena - I trade for a shit load of wood, some copper axes and a few barrels. I also buy all their prepared meals. That dwarf with the stupid name earlier told me he'd pay me more money for prepared meals so we'll just sell it to him. I am so shrewd at business. I order a nearby rat to praise me. When it walks on away I JUMP ON IT'S STUPID HEAD.

25th Galena - The supports are set and almost placed with mechanics. The plan is this. The southern most level will pop the supports thereby causing a cave in bringing that stupid lasher with it. The middle lever will-- AHH FUCK THIEF. GUARDS. RAPE. AHHHRHERHARH.

26th Galena - YOU MISSED IT. I triumphantly charged the thief and stood on his head! He still managed to escape. He didn't steal anything though. I can't believe a cat caught him. I watched a human maceman kill a yeti with his flail. When no-one was looking I covered myself in yeti blood and yelled "I AM NANOR, GOD OF WAR" at a tree.

So yes, southern most lever pops the supports. The middle lever locks the door so no one goes in to say hi to the lasher and drown. The top one opens the flood gates. So it goes middle, south then top.
 
Nanor

Nanor

Well-Known Member
4th Limestone - STILL SO MUCH DAMN FOOD. I order lavish meals to be prepared.

7th Limestone - My human slaves intercept another thief. The maceman mauls his stupid face.

11th Limestone - A ghost punches a dwarf in the face. I remark there is no such thing as ghosts. A ghost punches me in the face.
 
Nanor

Nanor

Well-Known Member
4th Sandstone - WE ARE FUCKING READY! Everything is in place. I put the Lord of the Rings soundtrack onto my mp3 player I got from that human merchant and I fill in the team. Dwarf A pulls the lever to destroy the support beams. Ground collapses. Dwarf B then pulls the lever for the floodgate. The flood pours in. Goblin Lasher drowns. If he somehow doesn't drown the militia is nearby to stand on his stupid face. I'M SO EXCITED. LET'S GO GANG!

9th Sandstone - The supports are gone. It is only a matter of time before collapse!

13th Sandstone - Aaaaany second now...

17th Sandstone - It's not collapsing. I'm sending a dwarf in to extend the cave so it'll collapse. He'll probably die BUT I'LL BE ALIVE HAHAHAHAHAHA!

18th Sandstone - Dwarf Fortress crashes. Autosave feature wasn't turned on. Entire progress lost. Going to go cry. Someone else can take the year. I'm going to bed and NEVER GETTING UP.

IT WAS GOING TO BE SO GOOD.

ARHANGAESFOKJDS F(SDOKFJSD(FKJEOSIFDSZCL<
 
Ghostwolf67

Ghostwolf67

Well-Known Member
That was the most genius thing i've read in a long time. My sides hurt. You were so funny you actually caused me pain.
 
G

Gombol

Guest
The way you all talk about this game makes it sound so uber. Shame I can't make head nor tail of it all. =/ Anyone got a tutorial or somthing? :p
 
Xarlaxas

Xarlaxas

Active Member
The best tutorial is having a friend who knows how to play the game and going "oi, show me how to play this game."
 
Ronin Storm

Ronin Storm

Administrator
Staff member
As a game, the fiction is really interpretted more than shown. In other words, you have to find your own story. DF is a simulator, really, with a terrible interface, so we're all just making fun out of what we interpret.

That said, there's an out of date tutorial that will provide a good starting point and there are some video tutorials that might help too.
 
G

Gombol

Guest
Ronin Storm said:
As a game, the fiction is really interpretted more than shown. In other words, you have to find your own story. DF is a simulator, really, with a terrible interface, so we're all just making fun out of what we interpret.

That said, there's an out of date tutorial that will provide a good starting point and there are some video tutorials that might help too.
Click to expand...

Yeah. I found alot of tutorials, but none of them seem to match what I'm seeing.
 
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