The Joke thread

thatbloke

thatbloke

Junior Administrator
Ok so I keep seeing/get sent random jokes that I would like to share with you people but without creating a thread for each (which would be spammage) we don't really have anywhere to put em.

So I'd like to create this joke thread with the intention that it be used by people to put up any funny jokes they see!
 
thatbloke

thatbloke

Junior Administrator
I'll go first:

One day, in line at the works cafeteria, Jack says to Mike behind him "My elbow hurts like hell. I suppose I'd better see a doctor!"

"Listen, don't waste your time down at the surgery," Mike replies. "There's a diagnostic computer at Tesco. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong, and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and only costs five quid... A lot quicker and better than a doctor and you get Clubcard points".

So Jack collects a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Tesco. He deposits five pounds and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits. Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout:

"You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks".

That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Jack began wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and masturbated into the mixture for good measure. Jack hurried back to Tesco, eager to check what would happen. He deposits five pounds, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results...

The computer prints the following:

1) Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener.
2) Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.
3) Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4) Your wife is pregnant. With twins. They aren't yours. Get a solicitor.
5) And if you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better...

Thank you for shopping at Tesco.
 
Piacular

Piacular

In Cryo Sleep
Ah man, do they have to be long ones? I gets bored reading all that for one punch line :eek:.

How about:

Where do baby apes sleep?

In an apricot!

That was totally worth your time!
 
Nanor

Nanor

Well-Known Member
What did Batman say to Robin before he put his seat belt on?

Put your seatbelt on, Robin.
 
E

elDiablo

Guest
thatbloke said:
i don't geddit :(
Click to expand...

You're an idiot. :p It's a play on the "A man walks into a bar" jokes that use the fact that "bar" can mean one of two things; a drinking establishment or a metallic cylinder. Now, what could "club" possibly mean other than a place where you drink and dance, and which can have a humorous (though dark) meaning with respect to seals? :)
 
thatbloke

thatbloke

Junior Administrator
elDiablo said:
You're an idiot. :p It's a play on the "A man walks into a bar" jokes that use the fact that "bar" can mean one of two things; a drinking establishment or a metallic cylinder. Now, what could "club" possibly mean other than a place where you drink and dance, and which can have a humorous (though dark) meaning with respect to seals? :)
Click to expand...

????????????
 
Nanor

Nanor

Well-Known Member
... Seal clubbing is when you hit baby seals with a club in order to take their hide.
 
Tetsuo_Shima

Tetsuo_Shima

In Cryo Sleep
I just read a whole discussion on another forum about seal clubbing after it was brought to light in this thread, it's quite interesting, even more so when it starts to morph into a moral debate over meat-eating about 2/3 of the way through.

Oh, and I know the blue screen and lack of separation between posts is pretty harsh on the eyes, but it was worth it (everything is all yellow now!)
 
Dragon

Dragon

Well-Known Member
A woman comes home just to find her husband pulling their 5 months old son around in the bathtub by his ears.

She screams:
"What the hell are you doing?"

"Well, do you suppose I should burn my fingers?"

(Damn, its incredibly hard to translate jokes)
 
thatbloke

thatbloke

Junior Administrator
A young boy went up to his father and asked him, "Dad, what is the difference between potentially and realistically? "

The father thought for a moment, then answered, "Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Robert Redford for a million dollars?
Then ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?
Then ask your brother if he'd sleep with Tom Cruise for a million dollars? Come back and tell me what you learn from that."

So the boy went to his mother and asked, "Would you sleep with Robert Redford for a million dollars?" The mother replied, "Of course I would! We could really use that money to fix up the house and send you kids to a great
University!"

The boy then went to his sister and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?" The girl replied, "Oh my God! I LOVE Brad Pitt! I would sleep with him in a heartbeat, are you nuts?!?!?"

The boy then went to his brother and asked, "Would you sleep with Tom Cruise for a million dollars?" "Of course," the brother replied. "Do you know how much a million could buy?"

The boy pondered the answers for a few days, then went back to his dad.

His father asked him, "Did you find out the difference between potentially and realistically? "

The boy replied, "Yes, Sir. Potentially, you and I are sitting on three million dollars..... .........

but Realistically, ......... we're living with two sluts and a queer
 
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