The Joke thread
- Thread starter thatbloke
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thatbloke
Junior Administrator
A teacher is in class and asks the young kids she is teaching to come up with a use for the word "contagious."
Amy, the class boffin, pipes up and says, "My Mummy had the flu last week. It was contagious."
"Very Good," says the teacher.
Little Billy then puts his hand up and says "My Daddy caught a contagious disease."
"Very Good," says the teacher.
Little Johnny then pipes up and says: "My next door neighbour is painting his house with a 2-inch brush and my Daddy says it'll take the contagious..."
Amy, the class boffin, pipes up and says, "My Mummy had the flu last week. It was contagious."
"Very Good," says the teacher.
Little Billy then puts his hand up and says "My Daddy caught a contagious disease."
"Very Good," says the teacher.
Little Johnny then pipes up and says: "My next door neighbour is painting his house with a 2-inch brush and my Daddy says it'll take the contagious..."
Mortarmon
In Cryo Sleep
( Warning , dirty joke 
)
5 guys are sitting in a sauna. The first one farts , then the second one does, the third , and the forth. They all fart very loudly. The fifth guy looks around nervously. He thinks '' I have to do something too '' He tries to make a fart , and bites his lips hard , but then , a pretty lousy sound pipy sound emerges from his butt. The other guys looks on him and one of them scream '' Get him guys , he's a virgin! ''
)5 guys are sitting in a sauna. The first one farts , then the second one does, the third , and the forth. They all fart very loudly. The fifth guy looks around nervously. He thinks '' I have to do something too '' He tries to make a fart , and bites his lips hard , but then , a pretty lousy sound pipy sound emerges from his butt. The other guys looks on him and one of them scream '' Get him guys , he's a virgin! ''
thatbloke
Junior Administrator
One for the computery type people... and perhaps slightly more relevant to myself as I create software for the airline industry... but it made me chuckle.
"If different operating systems ran airlines..."
UNIX Airways
Everyone brings one piece of the plane along when they come to the airport. They all go out on the runway and put the plane together piece by piece, arguing non-stop about what kind of plane they are supposed to be building.
Air DOS
Everybody pushes the airplane until it glides, then they jump on and let the plane coast until it hits the ground again. Then they push again, jump on again, and so on ...
Mac Airlines
All the stewards, captains, baggage handlers, and ticket agents look and act exactly the same. Every time you ask questions about details, you are gently but firmly told that you don't need to know, don't want to know, and everything will be done for you without your ever having to know, so just shut up.
Windows Air
The terminal is pretty and colorful, with friendly stewards, easy baggage check and boarding, and a smooth take-off. After about 10 minutes in the air, the plane explodes with no warning whatsoever.
Windows NT Air
Just like Windows Air, but costs more, uses much bigger planes, and takes out all the other aircraft within a 40-mile radius when it explodes.
Linux Air
Disgruntled employees of all the other OS airlines decide to start their own airline. They build the planes, ticket counters, and pave the runways themselves. They charge a small fee to cover the cost of printing the ticket, but you can also download and print the ticket yourself. When you board the plane, you are given a seat, four bolts, a wrench and a copy of the Seat-HOWTO.html. Once settled, the fully adjustable seat is very comfortable, the plane leaves and arrives on time without a single problem, the in-flight meal is wonderful. You try to tell customers of the other airlines about the great trip, but all they can say is, "You had to do what with the seat?"
"If different operating systems ran airlines..."
UNIX Airways
Everyone brings one piece of the plane along when they come to the airport. They all go out on the runway and put the plane together piece by piece, arguing non-stop about what kind of plane they are supposed to be building.
Air DOS
Everybody pushes the airplane until it glides, then they jump on and let the plane coast until it hits the ground again. Then they push again, jump on again, and so on ...
Mac Airlines
All the stewards, captains, baggage handlers, and ticket agents look and act exactly the same. Every time you ask questions about details, you are gently but firmly told that you don't need to know, don't want to know, and everything will be done for you without your ever having to know, so just shut up.
Windows Air
The terminal is pretty and colorful, with friendly stewards, easy baggage check and boarding, and a smooth take-off. After about 10 minutes in the air, the plane explodes with no warning whatsoever.
Windows NT Air
Just like Windows Air, but costs more, uses much bigger planes, and takes out all the other aircraft within a 40-mile radius when it explodes.
Linux Air
Disgruntled employees of all the other OS airlines decide to start their own airline. They build the planes, ticket counters, and pave the runways themselves. They charge a small fee to cover the cost of printing the ticket, but you can also download and print the ticket yourself. When you board the plane, you are given a seat, four bolts, a wrench and a copy of the Seat-HOWTO.html. Once settled, the fully adjustable seat is very comfortable, the plane leaves and arrives on time without a single problem, the in-flight meal is wonderful. You try to tell customers of the other airlines about the great trip, but all they can say is, "You had to do what with the seat?"
waterproofbob
Junior Administrator
[Vibs Stealing Bob's Account]
Very linux fanboy ish, but still pretty good I have to say!
Very linux fanboy ish, but still pretty good I have to say!
Traxata
Junior Administrator
Why for would you need to steal it?
you have one Vibbles!
Also indeed Linux fanboy!
waterproofbob
Junior Administrator
Why for would you need to steal it?
you have one Vibbles!
Also indeed Linux fanboy!
i was getting fed at Vibs' and he was on my laptop so i just said to write that instead of logging out and in and out again.
waterproofbob
Junior Administrator
There's nothing worse than a snotty doctor's receptionist who insists you tell her what is wrong in a room full of other patients. I know you all have experienced this, and here's the way one old guy handled it.
An 86-year-old man walked into a crowded doctor's office. As he approached the desk, the receptionist said, "Yes sir, what are you seeing the doctor for today?"
There's something wrong with my d*ck," he replied.
The receptionist became irritated and said, "You shouldn't come into a crowded office and say things like that."
"Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you," he said.
The receptionist replied, "You've obviously caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and then discussed the problem further with the doctor in private."
The man walked out, waited several minutes and then reentered.
The receptionist smiled smugly and asked, "Yes?"
There's something wrong with my ear," he stated.
The receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice. "And what is wrong with your ear, Sir?"
"I can't piss out of it," the man replied.
The doctor's office erupted in laughter.
An 86-year-old man walked into a crowded doctor's office. As he approached the desk, the receptionist said, "Yes sir, what are you seeing the doctor for today?"
There's something wrong with my d*ck," he replied.
The receptionist became irritated and said, "You shouldn't come into a crowded office and say things like that."
"Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you," he said.
The receptionist replied, "You've obviously caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and then discussed the problem further with the doctor in private."
The man walked out, waited several minutes and then reentered.
The receptionist smiled smugly and asked, "Yes?"
There's something wrong with my ear," he stated.
The receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice. "And what is wrong with your ear, Sir?"
"I can't piss out of it," the man replied.
The doctor's office erupted in laughter.
Tetsuo_Shima
In Cryo Sleep
Please do!
Nanor
Well-Known Member
Bad rep goes to Tets.
What's the difference between Maddie and the Pope?
The pope died a virgin.
What's the difference between Maddie and football?
Football's coming home!
What's the difference between Kate McCann and Gary Glitter?
Gary came back from hols with more children than he came with.
What's the cost of a slap up meal in Portugal?
Your child.
What's more stupid than letting Michael Jackson babysit your child?
Letting the McCanns take it on holiday.
I'm going straight to hell...
What's the difference between Maddie and the Pope?
The pope died a virgin.
What's the difference between Maddie and football?
Football's coming home!
What's the difference between Kate McCann and Gary Glitter?
Gary came back from hols with more children than he came with.
What's the cost of a slap up meal in Portugal?
Your child.
What's more stupid than letting Michael Jackson babysit your child?
Letting the McCanns take it on holiday.
I'm going straight to hell...