The joke thread

[Dragon]

I wondered why we're having a random link thread but not a "random joke thread".

So I started this one, while I try to keep it up to date I'd propose to maybe stickyfy it, if it has many people posting/reading it.


First one:

A pirate walks into a bar, and he's got a steering wheel sticking out of his pants. The bartender sees him and asks, "Hey, what's that steering wheel doing there?" The pirate says, "Aaarrrr, it's driving me nuts."

 

[Zooggy]

Hey,

Hmmm... this can go down fast...

Anyway, second:

Did you hear about the actor that fell through the floor? It was just a stage he was going through.

Cheers,
J.

 

[AcidK]

Bearing in mind that my jokes are neither PC nor should be read by people easily offended, I give you the third:

Men are from Mars, women are from Venus, but we're not sure about Gaga, because she has a penis.

 

[Dragon]

A man walking down the street comes across a strange ladder, reching high up in the sky. Curious as he is, he starts climbing it.

After a while he passes a cloud with a woman at the age of 30 sitting on it. As she is rather good looking he decides to chat with her a little, but the only thing she says is "Hey hon' stay with me or climb the ladder to success"

As she is not exactly his type of woman he climbes further upwards until he reaches the next cloud with a woman sitting on it.

This time she is the most beautiful woman he has ever seen. The young hot blonde tells him in a soft voice "Hey sweetheart, stay with me or climb the ladder to success."

Now the man had a problem; should he stay with the girl or climb further on? But as things had only become better until now he climbs further on.

When he finally reaches the end of the ladder he sees an old, smelling bold man who welcomes him with "Hi, I'm Cess"

 

[AcidK]

How was the Grand Canyon formed?

A Scotsman lost a tenner down a rabbit hole

 

[Rai]

Is this thread dead? I love AcidK's offensive jokes xD

 

[Dragon]

Hmm,

Why are pirates called pirates?

Because they ARRRRR!

 

[AcidK]

Selling Bourbon Biscuits for 49p a pack?

That's ASDA Price.

Selling pathetic rape claim stories to the Sun?

That's Katie Price.

 

[Dragon]

Whats the difference between brutal and macabre?

Brutal are 5 dead babies in a trash can.

Macabre is one dead baby in 5 trash cans.

 

[AcidK]

What is the difference between Clint Eastwood and anal sex?

One of them makes your day, the other makes your hole weak.

 

[Zooggy]

Ahey,

A truck carrying a shipment of the new thesaurus was in a violent traffic accident. Witnesses were speechless, stunned, stupefied, amazed, astonished, aghast, taken aback...

Cheers,
J.

 

[AcidK]

Apparently Jade wanted to donate her organs to allow other families to have their lives changed.

They were delivered to them in "Goody bags".

 

[Zooggy]

Helloes,

Selling Bourbon Biscuits for 49p a pack?

That's ASDA Price.

Selling pathetic rape claim stories to the Sun?

That's Katie Price.

Apparently Jade wanted to donate her organs to allow other families to have their lives changed.

They were delivered to them in "Goody bags".

I... don't get any of these... :|

Cheers,
J.

 

[AcidK]

lol, well not everyone gets celeb jokes, so will go for something quite contriversial:

A is the 1st letter of the alphabet, H is the 8th letter of the alphabet...

therefore: 9/11 = 0.8181818181 = HAHAHAHAHAHAHA

 

[Dragon]

Whats funnier than a dead baby?

A dead baby in a clown's costume.

A guy sits down on a bench next to a crying little girl and asks:

"Whats wrong with you, why are you crying?"

"My mom told me that she hates me and that I'm only an accident. And then she left me here alone."

The guy begins to open his trousers

"Well, today is surely not your day!"

 

[Zooggy]

Ahey,

lol, well not everyone gets celeb jokes

/facepalm

Ok, so, then, just to confirm:

1) The price thing is *one* joke, not two... (what's ASDA, btw?)

2) Jade is a celebrity of some kind, famous for...?

Cheers,
J.

 

[Wol]

1) The price thing is *one* joke, not two... (what's ASDA, btw?)

2) Jade is a celebrity of some kind, famous for...?

1) ASDA is a giant supermarket chain in the UK. Theyre known for very low prices, and have a tagline of "thats asda price". Katie Price... well.... JFGI.

2) Jade Goody was in Big Brother in the UK years ago (not sure if you know of the Big Brother tv show at all). She was rather large, rather obnoxious and recently died of cancer(?). Thus the donating organ bits.

hth!

Whats more fun than spinning a baby on a washing line:

stopping it with a shovel.

 

[Nanor]

What's the difference between a Mercedes and a bin bag full of dead babies?

I don't have a Mercedes in my garage.

 

[AcidK]

Christianity: One woman's lie about having an affair that got seriously out of hand.

 

[thatbloke]

How many software engineers does it take to change a light bulb?



1) None. real computer geeks prefer LEDs.

2) None. It's a hardware problem!

3) Just one. But the house falls down.

4) Two. One resigns halfway through the project.

5) 10. One to change the bulb and one to explain binary.

6) Is this a dynamically allocated light bulb?