The joke thread
- Thread starter Dragon
- Start date
thatbloke
Junior Administrator
{necro}
A blonde went into a world wide message centre to send a message to her mother overseas.
When the man told her it would cost $300, she exclaimed: "I don't have any money." But I'd do ANYTHING to get a message to my mother."
The man arched an eyebrow (as we would expect).
"Anything?" he asked.
"Yes, yes, anything" the blonde promised.
Well, then, "Just follow me" said the man as he walked towards the next room.
The blonde did as she was told and followed the man.
" Come in and close the door" the man said.
She did.
He then said "Now get on your knees."
She did.
"Now take down my zipper."
She did.
"Now go ahead ... Take it out....." He said.
She reached in and grabbed it with both hands .
Then paused.
The man closed his eyes and whispered ..
"Well ... Go ahead."
The blonde slowly brought her mouth closer to it and while holding it close to her lips, .... ..tentatively said .....
"Hello. Mum, can you hear me?"
A blonde went into a world wide message centre to send a message to her mother overseas.
When the man told her it would cost $300, she exclaimed: "I don't have any money." But I'd do ANYTHING to get a message to my mother."
The man arched an eyebrow (as we would expect).
"Anything?" he asked.
"Yes, yes, anything" the blonde promised.
Well, then, "Just follow me" said the man as he walked towards the next room.
The blonde did as she was told and followed the man.
" Come in and close the door" the man said.
She did.
He then said "Now get on your knees."
She did.
"Now take down my zipper."
She did.
"Now go ahead ... Take it out....." He said.
She reached in and grabbed it with both hands .
Then paused.
The man closed his eyes and whispered ..
"Well ... Go ahead."
The blonde slowly brought her mouth closer to it and while holding it close to her lips, .... ..tentatively said .....
"Hello. Mum, can you hear me?"
L
Lordii
Guest
Why was the chicken scared of the chicken?
Because he's a chicken!!
Because he's a chicken!!
Silk
Well-Known Member
A man was leaving a convenience store with his morning coffee when he noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery. A black hearse was followed by a second black hearse about 50 feet behind the first one.Behind the second hearse was a solitary man walking a dog on a leash. Behind him, a short distance back, were about 200 men walking single file. The man couldn't stand the curiosity. He respectfully approached the man walking the dog and said, "I am so sorry for your loss, and this may be a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?"
"My wife's."
"What happened to her?"
The man replied, "My dog attacked and killed her."
He inquired further, "But who is in the second hearse?"
The man answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife when the dog turned on her."
A very poignant and touching moment of brotherhood and silence passed between the two men.
"Can I borrow the dog?"
The man replied, "Get in line."
"My wife's."
"What happened to her?"
The man replied, "My dog attacked and killed her."
He inquired further, "But who is in the second hearse?"
The man answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife when the dog turned on her."
A very poignant and touching moment of brotherhood and silence passed between the two men.
"Can I borrow the dog?"
The man replied, "Get in line."
Tetsuo_Shima
In Cryo Sleep
A family are driving behind a garbage truck when a dildo flies out and thumps against the windscreen.
Embarrassed, and to spare her young son's innocence, the mother turns around and says, "Don't worry; that was an insect."
To which, her son replies, "I'm surprised it could get off the ground with a cock like that."
Embarrassed, and to spare her young son's innocence, the mother turns around and says, "Don't worry; that was an insect."
To which, her son replies, "I'm surprised it could get off the ground with a cock like that."
Panda with issues...
Well-Known Member
An Englishman, a welshman and a pakistani are all waiting in the maternity ward of a hospital, after their wives have given birth, for the ok to take the babies home.
They have a long chat about what each of them wants the future to hold for them, their sons and their families, when, after a while a panicked doctor rushes out to them, fear plastered all over his face.
"What's wrong?" The welshman asks. "Are our children ok?"
"Yes, all your sons are healthy, but there's been a bit of a mixup. Their tags have fallen off, and we can't tell which baby is which. I'm terribly sorry"
The doctor then runs off to deal with another emergency.
After a lot of angry discussion, and talk of legal consequences, the englishman finally stands up, and declares: " Nothing for it, we'll just have to pick one. I'll go first."
A minute later he emerges from the ward, holding a brown baby boy close to his chest.
"Hey!" Says the pakistani "That's OBVIOUSLY MY baby!"
" Yeah" replies the englishman affably, " But I'll be buggered if I risk taking the welsh one!"
They have a long chat about what each of them wants the future to hold for them, their sons and their families, when, after a while a panicked doctor rushes out to them, fear plastered all over his face.
"What's wrong?" The welshman asks. "Are our children ok?"
"Yes, all your sons are healthy, but there's been a bit of a mixup. Their tags have fallen off, and we can't tell which baby is which. I'm terribly sorry"
The doctor then runs off to deal with another emergency.
After a lot of angry discussion, and talk of legal consequences, the englishman finally stands up, and declares: " Nothing for it, we'll just have to pick one. I'll go first."
A minute later he emerges from the ward, holding a brown baby boy close to his chest.
"Hey!" Says the pakistani "That's OBVIOUSLY MY baby!"
" Yeah" replies the englishman affably, " But I'll be buggered if I risk taking the welsh one!"
G
Gombol
Guest
Lol, nice Panda! ^.^
Silk
Well-Known Member
A woman gets on the bus and the driver says " thats the ugliest baby i have ever seen" the woman sits down next someone a says " that driver has really insulted me " the person says " go and have a go at him, i'll hold your monkey "
-----
An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman walk into a pub, the landlord goes: "Is this some sort of a joke?"
-----
The ghost of Christmas past floats into a bar and asks for a scotch. The barman replies "sorry, we don't serve spirits."
-----
If a man says something and a woman doesn't hear it, is it still wrong?
-----
My Gran just walked in on me having a wank. She was so shocked, she had a stroke!
I couldn't believe how soft her hands were!!!
-----
An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman walk into a pub, the landlord goes: "Is this some sort of a joke?"
-----
The ghost of Christmas past floats into a bar and asks for a scotch. The barman replies "sorry, we don't serve spirits."
-----
If a man says something and a woman doesn't hear it, is it still wrong?
-----
My Gran just walked in on me having a wank. She was so shocked, she had a stroke!
I couldn't believe how soft her hands were!!!
Panda with issues...
Well-Known Member
Yes!..
thatbloke
Junior Administrator
Got these in my inbox, thought I would share...
They are all air traffic control conversations, though the first one is not real
-----
Atlanta Tower: "Saudi Air 511 -- You are cleared to land on runway 9R."
Saudi Air: "Thank you Atlanta . Acknowledge cleared to land on infidel's
runway 9R - Allah be Praised."
Atlanta Tower: "Iran Air 711 - You are cleared to land on runway 27L."
Iran Air: "Thank you Atlanta. We are cleared to land on infidel's runway 27L. Allah is Great."
Pause............
Saudi Air: ATLANTA TOWER - ATLANTA TOWER!"
Atlanta Tower: "Go ahead Saudi Air 511"
Saudi Air: "YOU HAVE CLEARED BOTH OUR AIRCRAFT FOR THE SAME RUNWAY GOING IN OPPOSITE DIRECTIONS. WE ARE ON A COLLISION COURSE . . . . .
INSTRUCTIONS PLEASE!"
Atlanta Tower: Well bless y'all, and Praise Jesus. Y'all go on ahead now, and tell Allah "Hi" from us."
------
[FONT="]
[/FONT][FONT="]Tower:[/FONT][FONT="] "TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 Degrees."[/FONT][FONT="]
TWA 2341:[/FONT][FONT="] "Center, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?"[/FONT][FONT="]
Tower:[/FONT][FONT="] "Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?"[/FONT]
[FONT="]
[/FONT][FONT="]From an unknown aircraft waiting in a very long takeoff queue:[/FONT][FONT="] "I'm f...ing bored!"[/FONT][FONT="]
Ground Traffic Control:[/FONT][FONT="] "Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself immediately!"[/FONT][FONT="]
Unknown aircraft:[/FONT][FONT="] "I said I was f...ing bored, not f...ing stupid!"[/FONT]
[FONT="]
[/FONT][FONT="]O'Hare Approach Control to a 747:[/FONT][FONT="] "United 329 heavy, your traffic is a Fokker, one o'clock, three miles, Eastbound."[/FONT][FONT="]
United 329:[/FONT][FONT="] "Approach, I've always wanted to say this....I've got the little Fokker in sight."[/FONT]
[FONT="]
[/FONT][FONT="]A student became lost during a solo cross-country flight. While attempting to locate the aircraft on radar, ATC asked,[/FONT][FONT="] "What was your last known position?"[/FONT][FONT="]
Student:[/FONT][FONT="] "When I was number one for takeoff."[/FONT]
[FONT="]
[/FONT][FONT="]A DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had an exceedingly long roll out after touching down.[/FONT][FONT="]San Jose Tower noted:[/FONT][FONT="]
"American 751, make a hard right turn at the end of the runway, if you are able. If you are not able, take the Guadeloupe exit off Highway 101, make a right at the lights and return to the airport."[/FONT]
[FONT="]
[/FONT][FONT="]A Pan Am 727 flight, waiting for start clearance in[/FONT][FONT="]Munich, overheard the following:
Lufthansa (in German):[/FONT][FONT="] "Ground, what is our start clearance time?"[/FONT][FONT="]
Ground (in English):[/FONT][FONT="] "If you want an answer you must speak in English."[/FONT][FONT="]
Lufthansa (in English):[/FONT][FONT="] "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in Germany . Why must I speak English?"[/FONT][FONT="]
Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent):[/FONT][FONT="]"Because you lost the bloody war!"[/FONT]
[FONT="]
[/FONT][FONT="]Tower:[/FONT][FONT="] "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on frequency 124.7"[/FONT][FONT="]
Eastern 702:[/FONT][FONT="] "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the way, after we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway.[/FONT]
[FONT="]Tower: [/FONT][FONT="]"Continental 635, cleared for takeoff behind Eastern 702, contact Departure on frequency 124.7. Did you copy that report from Eastern 702?"[/FONT][FONT="]
Continental 635:[/FONT][FONT="] "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, roger; and yes, we copied Eastern... we've already notified our caterers."[/FONT]
[FONT="]
[/FONT][FONT="]One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold short of the active runway while a DC-8 landed. The DC-8 landed, rolled out, turned around, and taxied back past the Cherokee. Some quick-witted comedian in the DC-8 crew got on the radio and said,[/FONT][FONT="]"What a cute little plane. Did you make it all by yourself?"[/FONT][FONT="]
The Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back with a real zinger:[/FONT][FONT="] "I did![/FONT][FONT="]I made it out of DC-8 parts. Another landing like your[/FONT][FONT="]last and I'll have enough parts for another one."[/FONT]
[FONT="]
[/FONT][FONT="]The German air controllers at[/FONT][FONT="]Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one's gate parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747, call sign Speedbird 206.
Speedbird 206:[/FONT][FONT="] " Frankfurt , Speedbird 206 clear of active runway."[/FONT][FONT="]
Ground:[/FONT][FONT="] "Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One -Seven."[/FONT][FONT="]
The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.
Ground:[/FONT][FONT="] "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"[/FONT][FONT="]
Speedbird[/FONT][FONT="] 206:[/FONT][FONT="] "Stand by Ground; I'm looking up our gate location now."[/FONT][FONT="]
Ground (with quite arrogant impatience):[/FONT][FONT="] "Speedbird 206, have you not been to Frankfurt before?"[/FONT][FONT="]
Speedbird[/FONT][FONT="] 206 (coolly):[/FONT][FONT="] "Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark, -- And I didn't land."[/FONT]
[FONT="]
[/FONT][FONT="]While taxiing at[/FONT][FONT="]London's Airport, the crew of a US Air flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727. An irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew, screaming:[/FONT][FONT="] "US Air 2771, where the hell are you going? I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I know it's difficult for you to tell the difference between C and D, but get it right!"[/FONT][FONT="]
Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically:[/FONT][FONT="] "God! Now you've screwed everything up! It'll take forever to sort this out! You stay right there and don't move till I tell you to! You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour, and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?"[/FONT][FONT="]
"Yes, ma'am,"[/FONT][FONT="] the humbled crew responded.
Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to chance engaging the irate ground controller in her current state of mind. Tension in every cockpit out around Gatwick was definitely running high. Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone, asking:[/FONT][FONT="] "Wasn't I married to you once?"[/FONT]
They are all air traffic control conversations, though the first one is not real
-----
Atlanta Tower: "Saudi Air 511 -- You are cleared to land on runway 9R."
Saudi Air: "Thank you Atlanta . Acknowledge cleared to land on infidel's
runway 9R - Allah be Praised."
Atlanta Tower: "Iran Air 711 - You are cleared to land on runway 27L."
Iran Air: "Thank you Atlanta. We are cleared to land on infidel's runway 27L. Allah is Great."
Pause............
Saudi Air: ATLANTA TOWER - ATLANTA TOWER!"
Atlanta Tower: "Go ahead Saudi Air 511"
Saudi Air: "YOU HAVE CLEARED BOTH OUR AIRCRAFT FOR THE SAME RUNWAY GOING IN OPPOSITE DIRECTIONS. WE ARE ON A COLLISION COURSE . . . . .
INSTRUCTIONS PLEASE!"
Atlanta Tower: Well bless y'all, and Praise Jesus. Y'all go on ahead now, and tell Allah "Hi" from us."
------
[FONT="]Tower:[/FONT][FONT="] "Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o'clock, 6 miles!"[/FONT]
[FONT="] Delta 351:[/FONT][FONT="] "Give us another hint! We all have digital watches!"[/FONT]
[FONT="] Delta 351:[/FONT][FONT="] "Give us another hint! We all have digital watches!"[/FONT]
[FONT="]
[/FONT][FONT="]Tower:[/FONT][FONT="] "TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 Degrees."[/FONT][FONT="]
TWA 2341:[/FONT][FONT="] "Center, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?"[/FONT][FONT="]
Tower:[/FONT][FONT="] "Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?"[/FONT]
[FONT="]
[/FONT][FONT="]From an unknown aircraft waiting in a very long takeoff queue:[/FONT][FONT="] "I'm f...ing bored!"[/FONT][FONT="]
Ground Traffic Control:[/FONT][FONT="] "Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself immediately!"[/FONT][FONT="]
Unknown aircraft:[/FONT][FONT="] "I said I was f...ing bored, not f...ing stupid!"[/FONT]
[FONT="]
[/FONT][FONT="]O'Hare Approach Control to a 747:[/FONT][FONT="] "United 329 heavy, your traffic is a Fokker, one o'clock, three miles, Eastbound."[/FONT][FONT="]
United 329:[/FONT][FONT="] "Approach, I've always wanted to say this....I've got the little Fokker in sight."[/FONT]
[FONT="]
[/FONT][FONT="]A student became lost during a solo cross-country flight. While attempting to locate the aircraft on radar, ATC asked,[/FONT][FONT="] "What was your last known position?"[/FONT][FONT="]
Student:[/FONT][FONT="] "When I was number one for takeoff."[/FONT]
[FONT="]
[/FONT][FONT="]A DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had an exceedingly long roll out after touching down.[/FONT][FONT="]San Jose Tower noted:[/FONT][FONT="]
"American 751, make a hard right turn at the end of the runway, if you are able. If you are not able, take the Guadeloupe exit off Highway 101, make a right at the lights and return to the airport."[/FONT]
[FONT="]
[/FONT][FONT="]A Pan Am 727 flight, waiting for start clearance in[/FONT][FONT="]Munich, overheard the following:
Lufthansa (in German):[/FONT][FONT="] "Ground, what is our start clearance time?"[/FONT][FONT="]
Ground (in English):[/FONT][FONT="] "If you want an answer you must speak in English."[/FONT][FONT="]
Lufthansa (in English):[/FONT][FONT="] "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in Germany . Why must I speak English?"[/FONT][FONT="]
Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent):[/FONT][FONT="]"Because you lost the bloody war!"[/FONT]
[FONT="]
[/FONT][FONT="]Tower:[/FONT][FONT="] "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on frequency 124.7"[/FONT][FONT="]
Eastern 702:[/FONT][FONT="] "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the way, after we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway.[/FONT]
[FONT="]Tower: [/FONT][FONT="]"Continental 635, cleared for takeoff behind Eastern 702, contact Departure on frequency 124.7. Did you copy that report from Eastern 702?"[/FONT][FONT="]
Continental 635:[/FONT][FONT="] "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, roger; and yes, we copied Eastern... we've already notified our caterers."[/FONT]
[FONT="]
[/FONT][FONT="]One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold short of the active runway while a DC-8 landed. The DC-8 landed, rolled out, turned around, and taxied back past the Cherokee. Some quick-witted comedian in the DC-8 crew got on the radio and said,[/FONT][FONT="]"What a cute little plane. Did you make it all by yourself?"[/FONT][FONT="]
The Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back with a real zinger:[/FONT][FONT="] "I did![/FONT][FONT="]I made it out of DC-8 parts. Another landing like your[/FONT][FONT="]last and I'll have enough parts for another one."[/FONT]
[FONT="]
[/FONT][FONT="]The German air controllers at[/FONT][FONT="]Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one's gate parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747, call sign Speedbird 206.
Speedbird 206:[/FONT][FONT="] " Frankfurt , Speedbird 206 clear of active runway."[/FONT][FONT="]
Ground:[/FONT][FONT="] "Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One -Seven."[/FONT][FONT="]
The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.
Ground:[/FONT][FONT="] "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"[/FONT][FONT="]
Speedbird[/FONT][FONT="] 206:[/FONT][FONT="] "Stand by Ground; I'm looking up our gate location now."[/FONT][FONT="]
Ground (with quite arrogant impatience):[/FONT][FONT="] "Speedbird 206, have you not been to Frankfurt before?"[/FONT][FONT="]
Speedbird[/FONT][FONT="] 206 (coolly):[/FONT][FONT="] "Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark, -- And I didn't land."[/FONT]
[FONT="]
[/FONT][FONT="]While taxiing at[/FONT][FONT="]London's Airport, the crew of a US Air flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727. An irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew, screaming:[/FONT][FONT="] "US Air 2771, where the hell are you going? I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I know it's difficult for you to tell the difference between C and D, but get it right!"[/FONT][FONT="]
Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically:[/FONT][FONT="] "God! Now you've screwed everything up! It'll take forever to sort this out! You stay right there and don't move till I tell you to! You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour, and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?"[/FONT][FONT="]
"Yes, ma'am,"[/FONT][FONT="] the humbled crew responded.
Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to chance engaging the irate ground controller in her current state of mind. Tension in every cockpit out around Gatwick was definitely running high. Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone, asking:[/FONT][FONT="] "Wasn't I married to you once?"[/FONT]
Tetsuo_Shima
In Cryo Sleep
Sickipedia brings forth the goods once again:
I made a really great sandwich today, cheese, ham, tomato, a crisp lettuce leaf, garnished with whole grain mustard and coleslaw, all wrapped lovingly in a fresh baguette. Anyway, I left the room, for a few minutes (due to a fairly troublesome shit) and when I came back in it was gone. I was completely beside myself. I checked the fridge, the microwave, desperately trying to think where I could have put it. I had a look in the oven even though I knew I couldn't have put it there. I went back to the bathroom, tears forming in my eyes (though I maintain that it was from the smell I left in there rather than my emotional trauma) to see if I might have taken it up with me. Next I rushed round my housemates' rooms trying to find a potential thief, or failing that, at least getting some help on my search.
After half an hour of looking I came to a stunning realisation... I could easily have made another sandwich in the time I had spent looking for it.
In a completely unrelated matter, I have some advice for Kate and Gerry.
I made a really great sandwich today, cheese, ham, tomato, a crisp lettuce leaf, garnished with whole grain mustard and coleslaw, all wrapped lovingly in a fresh baguette. Anyway, I left the room, for a few minutes (due to a fairly troublesome shit) and when I came back in it was gone. I was completely beside myself. I checked the fridge, the microwave, desperately trying to think where I could have put it. I had a look in the oven even though I knew I couldn't have put it there. I went back to the bathroom, tears forming in my eyes (though I maintain that it was from the smell I left in there rather than my emotional trauma) to see if I might have taken it up with me. Next I rushed round my housemates' rooms trying to find a potential thief, or failing that, at least getting some help on my search.
After half an hour of looking I came to a stunning realisation... I could easily have made another sandwich in the time I had spent looking for it.
In a completely unrelated matter, I have some advice for Kate and Gerry.
Silk
Well-Known Member
A man is driving along a highway and sees a rabbit jump out across the middle of the road.
He swerves to avoid hitting it, but unfortunately the rabbit jumps right in front of the car. The driver, a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulls over and gets out seeing what has become of the rabbit. Much to his dismay, the rabbit is dead. The driver feels so awful that he begins to cry.
A beautiful blonde woman driving down the highway sees a man crying on the side of the road and pulls over. She steps out of the car and asks the man what's wrong?
"I feel terrible, "he explains, "I accidentally hit this rabbit and killed it."
The blonde says, "Don't worry." She runs to her car and pulls out a spray can. She walks over to the limp, dead rabbit, bends down and sprays the contents onto the rabbit.
The rabbit jumps up, waves its paw at the two of them and hops off down the road.
Ten feet away the rabbit stops, turns around and waves again, he hops down the road another ten feet, turns and waves, hops another ten feet, turns and waves and repeats this again and again and again, until he hops off out of sight.
The man is astonished. He runs over to the woman and demands, "What is in that can? What did you spray on that rabbit?"
The woman turns the can around so that the man can read the label.
It says..... (Are you ready for this?)
Hair Spray - Restores life to dead hair, adds permanent wave.
He swerves to avoid hitting it, but unfortunately the rabbit jumps right in front of the car. The driver, a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulls over and gets out seeing what has become of the rabbit. Much to his dismay, the rabbit is dead. The driver feels so awful that he begins to cry.
A beautiful blonde woman driving down the highway sees a man crying on the side of the road and pulls over. She steps out of the car and asks the man what's wrong?
"I feel terrible, "he explains, "I accidentally hit this rabbit and killed it."
The blonde says, "Don't worry." She runs to her car and pulls out a spray can. She walks over to the limp, dead rabbit, bends down and sprays the contents onto the rabbit.
The rabbit jumps up, waves its paw at the two of them and hops off down the road.
Ten feet away the rabbit stops, turns around and waves again, he hops down the road another ten feet, turns and waves, hops another ten feet, turns and waves and repeats this again and again and again, until he hops off out of sight.
The man is astonished. He runs over to the woman and demands, "What is in that can? What did you spray on that rabbit?"
The woman turns the can around so that the man can read the label.
It says..... (Are you ready for this?)
Hair Spray - Restores life to dead hair, adds permanent wave.
thatbloke
Junior Administrator
Tony and Yvonne were 85 years old and had been married for sixty years.
Though they were far from rich, they managed to get by because Tony watched their pennies.
Though not young, they were both in very good health, largely due to Yvonne's insistence on healthy foods and exercise for the last decade.
One day, their good health didn't help when they went on yet another holiday and their plane crashed, sending them off to Heaven.
They reached the pearly gates, and St. Peter escorted them inside.
He took them to a beautiful mansion, furnished in gold and fine silks, with a fully stocked kitchen and a waterfall in the master bath.
A maid could be seen hanging their favourite clothes in the closet.
They gasped in astonishment when he said, 'Welcome to Heaven. This will be your home now.'
Tony asked Peter how much all this was going to cost. 'Why, nothing,' Peter replied, 'remember, this is your reward in Heaven.'
Tony looked out the window and right there he saw a championship golf course, finer and more beautiful than any ever built on Earth..
'What are the greens fees?,' grumbled Tony..
'This is heaven,' St. Peter replied. 'You can play for free, every day.'
Next they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet lunch, with every imaginable cuisine laid out before them, from seafood to steaks to exotic deserts, free flowing beverages.
'Don't even ask,' said St. Peter to Tony. This is Heaven, it is all free for you to enjoy.'
Tony looked around and glanced nervously at Yvonne.
'Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol foods and the decaffeinated tea?,' he asked.
That's the best part,' St. Peter replied. 'You can eat and drink as much as you like of whatever you like and you will never get fat or sick.
This is Heaven!'
'No gym to work out at?' said Tony
'Not unless you want to,' was the answer.
'No testing my sugar or blood pressure or...'
'Never again. All you do here is enjoy yourself.'
Tony glared at Yvonne and said, 'You and your f.......... Bran Flakes. We could have been here ten years ago!'
Though they were far from rich, they managed to get by because Tony watched their pennies.
Though not young, they were both in very good health, largely due to Yvonne's insistence on healthy foods and exercise for the last decade.
One day, their good health didn't help when they went on yet another holiday and their plane crashed, sending them off to Heaven.
They reached the pearly gates, and St. Peter escorted them inside.
He took them to a beautiful mansion, furnished in gold and fine silks, with a fully stocked kitchen and a waterfall in the master bath.
A maid could be seen hanging their favourite clothes in the closet.
They gasped in astonishment when he said, 'Welcome to Heaven. This will be your home now.'
Tony asked Peter how much all this was going to cost. 'Why, nothing,' Peter replied, 'remember, this is your reward in Heaven.'
Tony looked out the window and right there he saw a championship golf course, finer and more beautiful than any ever built on Earth..
'What are the greens fees?,' grumbled Tony..
'This is heaven,' St. Peter replied. 'You can play for free, every day.'
Next they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet lunch, with every imaginable cuisine laid out before them, from seafood to steaks to exotic deserts, free flowing beverages.
'Don't even ask,' said St. Peter to Tony. This is Heaven, it is all free for you to enjoy.'
Tony looked around and glanced nervously at Yvonne.
'Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol foods and the decaffeinated tea?,' he asked.
That's the best part,' St. Peter replied. 'You can eat and drink as much as you like of whatever you like and you will never get fat or sick.
This is Heaven!'
'No gym to work out at?' said Tony
'Not unless you want to,' was the answer.
'No testing my sugar or blood pressure or...'
'Never again. All you do here is enjoy yourself.'
Tony glared at Yvonne and said, 'You and your f.......... Bran Flakes. We could have been here ten years ago!'
thatbloke
Junior Administrator
Shamelessly stolen from: http://kawasakiownersclub.com/topic/6875208/1/
Brian opened his christmas present only to find he was now the proud owner of Black Prince double barrel shotgun. Excited at this, he decided to go into the woods to bag himself a rabbit for tea. After ten minutes a rabbit jumped out from behind a tree and was only two feet away. Brian let off both barrels and blew the rabbit to bits. As Brian was inspecting the remains of the creature he noticed, to his horror, the local vicar walking along the path towards him. In panic Brian scooped up the remains of the rabbit and retreated into the bushes. As the vicar drew level, he suddenly reversed into the same bush as brian and lowered his trousers. The vicar was obviousley caught short and had to go to the toilet. At that point Brian thought it would be funny to place the remains of the rabbit on top of the vicars waste matter, so he did and retired to the pub. Brian asked the landlord for a pint Bass and a whiskey for the vicar. The landlord said to Brian that in 20 years the vicar has never set foot in his pub, Brian replied "trust me he will today". With that the vicar runs in and asks for a whiskey and then necks it in one. The landlord asks the vicar why after 20 years has he just decided to come into the pub. The vicar expained that he has had a really frightening moment. He continues, "I was in the woods just a while ago when I felt the need to answer the call of nature following my large Christmas dinner, unfortunatelly I passed out most of my intestines as well! Good job i had my walking stick with me as I managed to get most of it back up.
Brian opened his christmas present only to find he was now the proud owner of Black Prince double barrel shotgun. Excited at this, he decided to go into the woods to bag himself a rabbit for tea. After ten minutes a rabbit jumped out from behind a tree and was only two feet away. Brian let off both barrels and blew the rabbit to bits. As Brian was inspecting the remains of the creature he noticed, to his horror, the local vicar walking along the path towards him. In panic Brian scooped up the remains of the rabbit and retreated into the bushes. As the vicar drew level, he suddenly reversed into the same bush as brian and lowered his trousers. The vicar was obviousley caught short and had to go to the toilet. At that point Brian thought it would be funny to place the remains of the rabbit on top of the vicars waste matter, so he did and retired to the pub. Brian asked the landlord for a pint Bass and a whiskey for the vicar. The landlord said to Brian that in 20 years the vicar has never set foot in his pub, Brian replied "trust me he will today". With that the vicar runs in and asks for a whiskey and then necks it in one. The landlord asks the vicar why after 20 years has he just decided to come into the pub. The vicar expained that he has had a really frightening moment. He continues, "I was in the woods just a while ago when I felt the need to answer the call of nature following my large Christmas dinner, unfortunatelly I passed out most of my intestines as well! Good job i had my walking stick with me as I managed to get most of it back up.